Pigskin Prophet: Miami Hurricane Strip Mall Jewelry Edition

by Pigskin Prophet - Contributor - Fri Oct 09 07:01:02 GMT-05:00 2020

I am known as a man who can get things done in the state of South Carolina, so when it became known that the University of Miami was headed to the spot where the Blue Ridge yawns it’s greatness, I became a wanted man.

That’s right, the Miami Hurricanes and their jewelry and tow truck coupons are headed to Clemson for this weekend’s game with the Tigers. I was called by a member of the Miami football staff – named Tony or Vito or something – and asked about providing security for the jewelry once it arrives in Clemson.

The Canes had the famous turnover chain a few years ago and have had a “305” chain that represents the Miami area code. This year’s chain is described this way - attached to the 32-inch, 10-karat gold Cuban-link chain is a charm of the whole state of Florida in white with the South Florida tri-county area of Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties standing out in orange and green. They also have Touchdown Rings, because who doesn't need costume jewelry when you score a touchdown?

Uh-huh. So I did my due diligence and told them I could get them insurance for the chain and provide some serious security for the chain. The guy – Tony or Vito or whoever – laughed and said they didn’t really need insurance. And if someone stole it, they have extra copies. When I asked why I was needed, he laughed, and said, “It’s for appearances sake. We had the thing made at a strip mall in Boca Raton.”

Bring on the strip mall jewelry.

LOUISVILLE AT GEORGIA TECH

So, Louisville and Scott Satterfield have fallen flatter than flat after high expectations to begin the year. The Cardinals need a win the way Bobby Petrino needs volleyball players, and they will get it this week at Bobby Waffle House Dodd Field in Atlanta. Meanwhile, everyone has realized that Georgia Tech is bad. Really bad. And their good win was over a Florida State team that is even worse. Someone has to win, so it will be the Ville. LOUISVILLE 32, TECH 28

FLORIDA AT TEXAS A&M

Let’s face it, Florida’s defense has been less than dominant this season. The Gators never put away a bad South Carolina team, and let the Gamecocks and their tractor pull offense keep the ball for a long drive to end last week’s game. Meanwhile, little Bimbo Fisher got spanked by Nick Saban and Bama last week, just another in a long line of spankings Fisher has received. Of course, Fisher should have strong feelings about Florida since, you know, that thing. Which we won’t talk about. It gets worse this week. FLORIDA 38, TEXAS A&M 27

VIRGINIA TECH AT NORTH CAROLINA

How bout those Hokies? They have played really well the last few weeks despite not having a full roster or a full complement of coaches. Meanwhile, UNC has dodged in and out of the schedule and pulled out a win last week over Boston College that was tighter than many people expected. Both teams are getting better and are looking to put themselves squarely in the top three or so in the ACC pecking order. I wasn’t high on the Hokies to start with, but I am Snoop Dogg high now. TECH 34, UNC 33

TEXAS AT OKLAHOMA

Hey!! Didn’t you used to be the Big 12??? What has happened to that conference? Oklahoma seemingly gets smacked around each week and Texas loses games it shouldn’t lose. Now the teams have to face off in the Red River Rivalry and the loser might as well pack in any kind of big-time bowl hopes. The Sooners have gotten Rattlered with turnovers and the Horns can’t play defense, which means this one should be fun to watch. TEXAS 48, OKLAHOMA 45

SOUTH CAROLINA AT VANDERBILT

Well, I guess someone has to win the Battle of the Uglies, right? Will Muschamp’s team was down by two scores last week at Florida and went into the final drive knowing they needed to score quick. Instead, they held team meetings, played frisbee golf in between plays, played a game of poker, Red Rover, read a book in the huddle, and simply bled all the time off the clock. And that might have been the best coaching decision of the day. This one will be brutal to watch. On a scale of watch this or colonoscopy, well you need the colonoscopy anyway, right? SOUTH CAROLINA 13, VANDERBILT 9

TENNESSEE AT GEORGIA

The Dawgs have found their quarterback, a 5-3, 119-pound dude named Cowboy Hat Bennett who beat the Toomers out of Auburn last week. Tennessee still has a quarterback who couldn’t hit the ground without gravity, and my feeling is that the Dawg defense will feast on that. Georgia will score enough points provided everyone on the offense posted bail in time and the defense will confuse the Vols all day. This one has the potential to be boring and ugly. GEORGIA 31, TENNESSEE 13

ALABAMA AT OLE MISS

Lane Kiffin is not the brightest coach in the world and he’s staring down the barrel of an angry Nick Saban this week. Kiffin needed to say kind things about Saban this week but instead made fun of Saban’s age and fitness and quite simply invited a smackdown. This one will get ugly. Ugly. Real ugly. Muschamp’s two-minute offense ugly. Miami’s strip mall jewelry ugly. ALABAMA 57, OLE MISS 24

FLORIDA ST. AT NOTRE DAME

Speaking of ugly. The ‘Noles found themselves in a big hole against an FCS team last week and managed to fight their way out for a “huge” home win. Now they take to the road to play the Irish, who have been sidelined by COVID over the last few weeks. It might take a while for the Irish to get going, but once they get it unlimbered, this one will get bad. NOTRE DAME 38, FSU 13

MIAMI AT CLEMSON

Strip Mall Jewelry Canes and their merry cast of free agents head north to take on Dabo Swinney’s Tigers. The Canes have a good quarterback and a decent defensive line and they will make plays. What they don’t have is the depth and talent of Clemson across the board, and no “magical” strip mall chain is gonna make a difference. Once Trevor Lawrence and Travis Etienne get warmed up it will be all but over. The only thing we don’t know is when that will happen. I say sooner rather than later and the Canes can take their chains and smack talk and weirdness back to South Beach. CLEMSON 41, MIAMI 20