Pigskin Prophet: LivePD and Privacy Pod Edition |
Can you believe another football season is upon us? The ole Pigskin Prophet has been working hard and getting ready for football in everybody’s favorite LivePD area, Columbia and Richland County.
The folks in LivePD Land contacted my new company about a way to make the tailgating experience more enjoyable for the fans of the Gamecocks, and we sat down and reviewed hundreds of thousands of hours of video and came up with something we think they will all enjoy. Privacy Pods. Why Privacy Pods and what are they? Well, if you look at tailgating videos from Clemson, you mostly get people doing Cadence Count, hoisting a beverage, and grilling. If you go to UNC, it’s mostly student-athletes selling shoes. If you go to Georgia, it’s mostly grown men barking and buying weed from the linebackers. At Georgia Tech, it’s a bunch of kids who got lost on the way to class and are using a slide rule to find their way back to the academic side of Atlanta. Not in Columbia. Those people like to cry (The Citadel). They love to fight each other, and anybody else (pretty much every game). They love to shout dirty, filthy slogans (Go C**cks!!!) that no child should have to listen to. And they have coitus. A lot of coitus. On the ground. Against cars. In porta johns. Against porta johns. On top of porta johns. Why? I don’t know. They are just….special. Our special privacy pods are egg-shaped (an egg comes from a chicken, get it) to give them a feeling of comfort right away. If someone needs private time, to cry or yell dirty things or self-flagellate or enter into coitus, they can enter the privacy pod. The best part is, they can use it for free. Provided they show a diploma. Any diploma. Yeah, we kinda figure they won’t get used. Now, onto some season previews, and remember it’s all in fun and don’t get your feelings hurt or we will bring an egg-shaped privacy pod to cry in. UNC Larry Fedora is on the hot seat in Chapel Hill just a few years removed from an ACC Championship Game appearance. He can’t find a quarterback, his kids sell their clothes, and no one up there seems to know how to find a classroom. Add in the fact that he’s losing, and the wine and cheese and sweater vest crowd are almost outraged enough to not show up for games. Like anyone would notice. THE OHIO ST. Ya know, there isn’t anything funny to say about this situation. It’s just pathetic and sad. Shame on you, Bucknuts. CLEMSON This season features high expectations, and a lot of those center on Sunshine, the next great QB. The Tigers’ schedule sets up nicely – It took Jimbo Fisher about six months to turn College Station into Tallahassee West, and the Tigers don’t have to face what looks like a Top Ten Challenge this season. Dabo Swinney simply needs to find a way to keep his team interested each week. And to keep his defensive line from eating opposing players. Do that and things look good. SOUTH CAROLINA The 1969 ACC Champions are flush with excitement this season. Young Jake Bentley turns 32 (he really should be in 8th grade, so he’s like, amazing) and appears poised to complete a pass in a game that matters. For the first time. The Gamecocks also have an easy – schedule – they play Pelzer First Baptist’s Missionary Class in the opener, Georgia in game two, and then they play what amounts to a Southern Conference schedule by playing the rest of the SEC Least (my apologies to the good people at Furman and Wofford). The 1969 ACC Champions will once again feature all of the pageantry of college football – pregame coitus, fire extinguishers, a cross-dressing chicken, and a shower curtain. And Privacy Pods for those more intimate moments. NC STATE You know I have friends who work in security around the area, and I was given this story as straight truth by one of them who works in the Upstate. The people at Clemson’s new football facility noticed a strange man in jean shorts wandering around the lobby. They thought he might work for one of the Clemson websites and was almost harmless, but they lost sight of him and found him upstairs in the coaches’ offices. A small chase ensued, and he tried to toss a bag he was carrying out a window but it was blocked by Christian Wilkins. Turns out it was Dave Doeren of NC State, and he had stolen, you guessed it, a laptop. He’ll never learn. GEORGIA Kirby Smart stepped into a great situation – the SEC East is the worst division in college football, he operates in a fertile recruiting ground, and he writes and passes his own laws that help him recruit. You can’t beat that. The law – known as Kirby’s Law - will give all athletic departments in Georgia – not schools, just the athletic departments – 90 days to initially respond to any open records requests. The soon-to-be-former period was three days. As we’ve seen, even Urban Meyer can delete text messages in just a few hours. Imagine giving the Dawgs 90 days to wipe everything down? Yep. It’s good to be Kirby. The 1969 ACC Champions are not happy, I can tell you that. LSU The Cookie Monster, Ed Orgeron, is holding open tryouts for quarterbacks. Honestly, you’re LSU. Why can’t you find one guy that not only wants to stay there for four years, but can actually complete a forward pass? It’s weird for sure. Orgeron held a press conference on the matter, but everybody wound up singing the theme song to Sesame St. Today’s episode of LSU football is brought to you by the letter F. As in Fail. ALABAMA In case you missed it, the Crimson Tide have been hit by the injury bug. They have had a few linebackers suffer injuries in camp, and things are a little thin. But, head coach Nick Saban told us in an incredible rant (he was due for one) the key to Bama recruiting. They don’t go out and just sign players. They don’t develop them. They merely poop them out on command. Yes, the Nick Saban laxative effect works wonders in bringing in 5-stars. Sometimes you take too much and you sign 43 kids per class (what a mess) but they always find a way to clean it up. Go Nick.
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