Pigskin Prophet: Jailed Dawgs Edition

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Ah, you know football season is in the air when the nights start to get just a little cooler, the students return to school, the sounds of the bands begin to echo across campus, and the Athens Police Department conducts its yearly roundup of Bulldog football players.

Don’t you just love it?

I spent a good portion of the offseason helping out in Columbia, and in an effort to earn some money to help my niece pay for a skateboard for her turtle (he’s really, really slow) I took a job helping the University of South Carolina in their renovations and updates of the football facility and Williams-Lee-Brice Stadium.

The school wants to put its best foot forward with recruits who walk into the indoor facility and I was charged with hiring a crew to build a display case – with heavy locks of course – to show off the school’s football championship trophies.

Don’t tell them, but we actually drove over to the Barnyard Flea Market in Lexington and bought a small bookshelf from some guy named Darrell, painted it black and red, and put both trophies on there, with of course the 1969 ACC Championship Trophy on top and the 2010 SEC East Championship Trophy on the bottom. Once that billable hour was over, we needed something else to do and my phone rang – it was the Athens Police Department!!!

Turns out the good guys down in Athens needed some crowd control as the arrests piled up. A lot of the fans were showing up to protest what was happening to their beloved players, barking at the police and howling.

We went down to the newspaper office, bought several newspapers, and I handed out the newspapers to my guys. We rolled them up, swatted the fans on the nose and said, “Bad dog!!!” We then used the papers to line their crates while we waited for their wives to come and get them.

What an offseason. Now let’s talk football.

THURSDAY

Lindenwood vs. Kansas

I have to admit, before last season I had never heard of Lindenwood. It’s a smaller school (7000 students) with a dry campus (good for them) that reached the FCS level last season. Where they had a really bad offense, and now they get a Kansas team on the rise. And the kicker, if you will, is that this game is not even being played in a football stadium, it’s being played in a soccer stadium. Hey, Georgia Tech beat FSU in a rugby stadium, can Lindenwood Whatevertheyare beat Kansas??? No, no they can’t. KANSAS 58, LINDENWOOD 0

FRIDAY

TCU AT STANFORD

Look!! Stanford begins ACC play!! I am so excited!!! (This excitement brought to you and paid for by Jim Phillips’ re-election campaign for ACC Commissioner). Both of these programs stumbled last season, and Stanford’s three wins launched them into the ACC. Can Troy Taylor turn the Trees around? This game also features two of the strangest-looking mascots in college football with the Horny Toad and the weird-looking tree with the googly eyes. Does any of that matter? It does not. Welcome to the ACC, Cardinal Tree People. TCU 34, Stanford 24

SATURDAY

CLEMSON VS. GEORGIA

Ah, here we go. The big game of the weekend, played in Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. The Tigers can bring all of the rolled up newspapers they want, but these Dawgs have a different bite when it comes to football, and this promises to be an old-fashioned slugfest worthy of Larry Munson and the real Jim Phillips. One team is loaded and everybody knows it, the other team is loaded and everybody is sleeping on them. The Tigers will come out slashing and clawing, but the Dawgs will bite back and eventually it settles into a trenches war. Guess what? The Tigers are better in the trenches this season, and this is my Upset Special of the Week. The freshman hits a field goal to win it. CLEMSON 27, GEORGIA 24

PENN ST. AT WEST VIRGINIA

The Nittany Lions will slink out of the Appalachian Mountains and Mt. Nittany, and creep down the valley towards Morgantown, West Virginia, drawn by the smell of mullet grease and couch fires. The local denizens wear their coonskin caps with pride, and black powder deer season is year-round. The mountain folk think they have a little something after a 9-4 campaign last season, and the men-folk will prematurely fire off their muskets in celebration after an early lead. But that defense is not good, and the Lions find a way to win and sneak out of town with the win. PENN ST. 30, WEST VIRGINIA 24

MIAMI AT FLORIDA

Two programs that once stood at the top of college football have tried to get back to their dominant ways for years, but have stumbled in the wilderness. Every year we hear that one or both of the programs is back, and they aren’t. So this one, to start the season, feels right. Billy Napier looked strong after beating Tennessee last season but crashed down the stretch as the defense wilted in the Florida heat. Miami is Miami. More glitz than substance. Which team walks away with the win? That weird looking bird. MIAMI 27, FLORIDA 23

NOTRE DAME AT TEXAS A&M

And finally, the other big game of the day. The Choir Boys make their way down to College Station, where everything is bigger and hotter. The Aggies have a renewed sense of purpose with a new head coach, and Yell Practice is going to be packed and loud. But this Notre Dame squad has another ACC quarterback transfer – Riley Leonard – and an offense that averaged 39 points per game last season. Do the Aggies have enough to hold serve at home? I think the Choir Boys win in a nail-biter. NOTRE DAME 24, TEXAS A&M 23

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