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Religious Pron - Mesopotamia 10 Assyria (II)
Oct 14, 2022, 1:22 PM
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Assyria has a warmongering reputation, but hardly any war is a total war, or a war to the death. There’s always room for talk. Especially in the ancient world.
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A little after the Assyrians stopped terrorizing Mesopotamia, the Greeks started fighting their own wars.
And a discussion came from those wars that shows the incredible level of sophistication and thought at the time.
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It’s called the Melian Dialogue, and it’s a record of the negotiations between Athens and the tiny island of Melos.
Athens intended to conquer Melos, but they wanted to get it for free if they could.
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It’s only human (well, animal) nature. Even the strongest lion will pass on a healthy animal if an easy kill is available. Low hanging fruit is the name of the game.
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So Athens and Melos tried to talk it out rather than fight it out. Here’s how the dialogue went…
Athens said: “We both know we’re big enough to defeat you, but it will be a lot easier if you just surrender. We need our troops to fight against real enemies, not wasting their time squashing little nobodies like you.
Melos replied: “Sure you’ll win, but we’re still big enough to be a pain in the axx, and besides, we’re neutral. So, attacking us is wasteful to you, dangerous politically, and immoral to the gods.” How do we know? A little birdie told us so.
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Athens replied: We don’t really care about morality. And we both know the Gods don’t care about the affairs of man. Might makes right shows us that, philosophically.
If we leave you alone it will make us look weak to our enemies, because they might think we don’t have the strength to take you.”
Melos countered: Yes, but if you do attack us, it will alarm other neutrals to ally against you and join us. Then you’ll have more enemies. That makes things far worse for you than before you started. How ya like that philosophical conclusion?
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Athens countered: True, but if we beat the life out of you it will be an example for other neutrals to back off.
We don’t want to be savage, but we can sure as hell send a message if we have to.
Melos retorted: Well, we can’t surrender because that will make us look weak to our allies, too. Your macho just doesn’t intimidate us, man.
We can be Savage, too. We also have an image to protect.
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Athens: Right, but if we rip you a new ahole and annihilate you, your image won’t matter much, will it, bioch?
Melos: That’s not going to happen, because your real enemy, Sparta, will help us. It’s in their best interest to weaken you any way they can.
And that includes by defending us, you hairy-backed Greek mother…..rs!
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Athens: Don’t bank on it. We only wanted to defeat you at first. But now we want to eradicate you and ride your women like rented mules.
Melos: Bring it…
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It’s amazing what calm, mature dialogue can accomplish. Melos talked a good game, but in the end, Athens did defeat them, though they couldn’t do it alone.
They had to call on their allies to help. The ones on the Isle of Lesbos.
Yeah, Baby! Who doesn’t want Lesbian allies?
See, it’s just best to make love, not war, after all.
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Just like the Greeks that came after them, the Assyrians were hella savvy. Why blow up the world in a fight to the death when you can negotiate a victory?
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So while their reputation for being brutal as all hell is accurate, it wasn’t unique, and it wasn’t indiscriminate savagery. It was calculated savagery. They were sending a message.
Be assimilated, or be dead.
“You might think I’m kicking you in the head, Bob. Tain’t So. I’m sending a message, to all those roughnecks and cowhands down in Nebraska, and Kansas. There ain’t no w h or e’s gold in Big Whisky! So if I ever see you again I’m just gonna start shooting, and assume it’s self defense.
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The Assyrians weren’t morons. You don’t build the world’s greatest empire at the time by being stupid. They were great fighters, great administrators, and great politicians. And, they had technology.
In fact, the relay system of riders they set up across their empire was the fastest way to communicate in the Middle East until the telegraph was introduced in the 1860’s, about 2500 years later. Sort of an ancient Pony Express on steroids. And as big as the Assyrian Empire was, those ponies had to cover a lot of ground.
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Militarily, the Assyrians were pragmatic, efficient, and ruthless. And when their army showed up at your gates, it was a guaranteed bad day for you. Talk was highly encouraged.
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The Assyrian expansion wasn’t exactly a blitzkrieg, but every year, like clockwork, their armies went out during campaign season. And every year, they conquered more and more land, and more and more cities. Sometimes through talk, and sometimes through violence.
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If you were a neighboring nation, you could see the irresistible creeping doom coming towards you year after year. The easy way out was to just to surrender and become a vassal. Vassalage simply meant you had to give up your manhood and become a subservient wus to your overlord masters.
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Assyria then sent a governor and some garrison troops to your lands, and you paid Assyria a yearly tribute for “protection.”
The deal was that you answered to your king, and your king answered to the Assyrian governor, and life went on about as usual.
Kind of like we did to Japan after WW2. The people answered to the Emperor, and the Emperor answered to MacArthur. It’s a tried and true system.
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So, faced with the prospect of utter destruction, that’s exactly what Israel, and their neighbor, Aram, did when Assyrian ambassadors showed up at their capital cities in 740ish BCE. They became vassals.
In the case of Israel the cost was as high as 38 tons of silver a year. Ouch.
2 Kings 15:19: “Then Pul,, king of Assyria invaded the land, and Menahem gave him a thousand talents of silver to gain his support and strengthen his own hold on the kingdom.” Cha-ching!
The tax burden this placed on the wealthy (because King Menahem sure didn’t pay all that by himself) led to revolt and disaster just a few years down the road.
Judah, farther to the south, didn’t have to make the vassalage choice, because Israel and Aram were their buffer from Assyria, up north.
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Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking Israel and Judah liked each other. The building of Solomon’s Temple and the taxation that followed ripped open a rift that had been growing for a long time. Tribalism you know. There’s even the idea that the story of Cain and Abel is an allegory about Israel and Judah. So the hate flowed between them…
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Judah and Israel had separate capitals, separate religious centers, and to make things worse, the King of Israel built golden calves at Bethel and Dan, just like High Priest Aaron had made them in the Sinai. Judah, going with the “no graven images” thing, looked at Israel as religious traitors, too. They were brothers, but not quite brothers-in-arms.
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The bad blood only got worse when Israel knuckled under to Assyria and became vassals. Judah considered Israel to be sell outs. Israel said “You don’t have Assyria sitting on your doorstep with siege engines.”
And when Israel finally DID finally decide to break their vassalage with Assyria (along with their neighbor Aram), they asked Judah to help them break free.
Judah turned them down and said eff yew. Israel didn’t take the snub well.
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That led to the Syro-Ephraimite War of 736 BCE between Israel and Aram, against Judah. Assyria had to be scratching their heads saying, “You guys are crazy! Carry on.”
Yes, Israel and Judah had to fight and kill each other even before they fought Assyria. Bad, bad siblings. Oy Veh!
You can read all about it in Hosea 11 and Isaiah 7.
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So, once these guys stop their squabbling, we’ll get to the conclusion of the Assyria part of ABaCAB, next time, in Assyria III.
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As bad as the blood was between Israel and Judah, could it possibly get any worse? Of course it could! Let’s take a quick look at what was happening INSIDE those hopelessly dysfunctional kingdoms.
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Internally, things were just a complete cluster****. Particularly in Israel. Out of the 19 Kings of Israel, ALL of them were rated as “bad” by the fine folks who wrote the Bible. Judah didn’t do much better, with 12 out of their 20 kings getting the lowest possible score on the JD Power Rankings for Monarchs.
Of course, that condemnation might be as clue as to who wrote certain parts of the Bible, too, and where they lived. Words can sometimes identify anonymous authors, if you look closely enough.
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The assassinations, coups, and intrigue were positively Roman in these king’s courts.
So let’s get in there and pick through the bones! We’ll look at Israel for now.
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This is Jeroboam, the first king of the northern Kingdom of Israel. He didn’t want to pay for Solomon’s temple down in Jerusalem, so he blew the unified kingdom up over it.
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Jeroboam’s son was Nadab, Israel’s second king. He was assassinated by his army commander, Baasha. It won’t be the last time that happens.
A little Nadab’ll do ya. #2
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This is Basha, Nadab’s army commander, who assassinated Nahab.
Baasha wasn’t assassinated, but his son Elah, the 4th king of Israel, was.
By his army commander. A guy named Zimri. Kharma is a bioch.
Baasha #3
His boy Elah #4
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Zimri’s reign only lasted 7 days, because… no, he wasn’t assassinated. The army he commandeered revolted against him and followed another army commander, Omri, instead. Rather than be assassinated, Zimri burned himself to death before Omri could kill him.
Zimri #5
Simulated footage of Zimri’s self-immolation in his palace
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Omri, who compelled Zimri, (who assassinated Elah), to burn himself alive, never did have to assassinate anyone. But he did have to fight off a usurper named Tibni.
Tibni
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For those keeping score at home, that’s 6 kings, 4 coups by 3 army commanders, and 1 usurper. Like I said. A cluster****. But we’re not done yet.
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Omri knew how to run a kingdom, or at least save his life, because his son Ahab succeeded him as the 7th King of Israel. But Ahab made the mistake of marrying Jezebel. We’ll get back to her in a moment. Compared to the usual fate of assassination by your own bodyguard, Ahab died a normal death, when he was struck by a random arrow and killed in combat.
Omri as an older man #6
Omri as a younger man
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King Ahab #7
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Ahab’s son Ahaziah #8 ruled next, followed by his younger brother Joram #9. And finally, we get back on track. Joram was assassinated by his army commander, Jehu #10.
Here’s Jehu, bowing on his knees to King Shalmanasser III of Assyria. Smart guy. It’s one thing to assassinate your predecessor, but when Assyria comes to town you’d better get down and grovel.
And Remember Jezebel, Ahab’s wife? Jehu didn’t like her any more than he liked Joram. So he had her thrown out of a window, trampled over, and then eaten by dogs.
So while Jehu was never assassinated, she was. Hey, it still counts. Ok?
Jezebel, pre-kennel
Jezebel, post -kennel
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In fact, Jehu’s house was pretty stable. But his great-great-grandson, Zechariah #14, only got to rule for 6 months. Because, yeah, he was killed by his army commander, Shallum #15, who was in turn killed by his army commander, Menehem #16, one month later.
Menehem’s son Pekahiah #17 was then assassinated by his army commander, Pekah #18, who was in turn assassinated by his army commander, the last ruler of Israel, Hoshea #19.
Zechariah, Shallum, Menehem, Pekahia and Pekah. At the end of the table is Hoshea, is last man standing.
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So that’s the fly-by political history of the 19 Kings of Israel. Maybe there is something to this “peaceful transfer of power” thing we have in America after all.
Till next time, be sure to keep up with the wannabe, Romper Room politics of House of the Dragon. Those guys got NOTHIN’ on Israel!
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