Pigskin Prophet: Wild and wooly in Columbia edition

by Pigskin Prophet - Contributor - Thu Sep 10 13:01:03 GMT-05:00 2020

Thank goodness that football season is here. If you’re tired of all the serious talk and political accusations, you’ve come to the right place. No seriousness allowed around here!

What has the Pigskin Prophet done to keep busy during all of this? As it turns out, we have a lot to catch up on, because as you know Columbia is wild and wooly and there aren’t a lot of bright people around here. That includes our illustrious governor, who called up one day with a request for masks.

“Heay theayre (hey there), do all of Y’all happen to haeve any maesks that extry laerge?”

When I answered how big did he need, he said, “Wail (well), Aahm the guvnah of this rightchere state, and weah have several statues on aaah statehouse grounds that I want to put these maesks on, to set a good example.”

We had some big masks, but not quite that big.

And then there was the call from the South Carolina football office. Head coach Will Muschamp said he wanted to surprise his coaches with special facemask coverings before fall practice started, and we figured he wanted some kind of specialized mask with Gamecock logos. Nope. He told us that when he was a kid his mom bought him a Frankenstein mask for Halloween – remember the plastic kind with the elastic band that went behind your head – and he thought they were “pretty frickin’ cool.” And that was what he wanted for his coaches. For practices. In August. In the heat. For protection.

And then…..and this is the strangest thing of all and 100 percent truthful, we have been tasked with moving an 11,000 pound chicken through the streets of Columbia and taking to the plaza at Williams-Brice Stadium. That is correct – donors have paid good money for a chicken sculpture that is 20x20 and weighs 11,000 pounds because they think people for ages to come will want their photo in front of this poultry monstrosity.

My biggest fear – because it IS 2020 – and what if the chicken comes to life and tries to eat the upside down cockroach? Then where will they play football?

Now on to some games, thank goodness. And don’t get your feeling hurt, Crump is no longer paying me in Burger King coupons because he says they are too expensive to buy. Instead, he bought me South Carolina season tickets. Anybody got a wide angle lens for my photo with a big chicken??

THURSDAY

UAB AT MIAMI

Let’s see, the last we saw the Canes they were wearing an anchor chain off a cruise ship after getting turnovers in game they were losing by three touchdowns. They couldn’t run, block, tackle, or throw, or coach for that matter, but now one college analyst has them a team that can challenge Clemson in the ACC. They have a new QB who bailed on his Houston teammates and is now a “team leader” and get to play UAB in the opener. They will scratch and claw and win by a few scores, and everyone will anoint the Anchor Chains as a favorite. Don’t believe the hype. MIAMI 30, UAB 14

SATURDAY

SYRACUSE AT UNC

The Tar Heels have been tabbed as one of the favorites in the ACC, and with good reason. Now their players don’t have to go to class and it’s actually approved by everyone. Syracuse, on the other hand, has had a rough summer. First they were gonna play, then decided they would not, then needed to meet about it, then weren’t going to play, then they were, then they skipped a practice, then decided they would play, and then decided it wasn’t safe, the governor called off all sports, and then they decided they would play. That kind of thinking belongs in the Big 10. UNC 31, SYRACUSE 17

GEORGIA TECH AT FSU

The Seminoles are another team that has had a rough summer. They have had all kinds of miscommunication between their coaches and players, and indecision has rocked the program. A lot of people don’t know this, but one of their assistant coaches got caught trying to buy offensive linemen on Craigslist because they haven’t blocked anyone in four or so years. However, they all seem to be on the same page and appear to be a little better than Waffle House U (head coach Geoff Collins loves him some Waffle House) at this point. FSU 27, GT 17

DUKE AT NOTRE DAME

Quarterback whisperer David Cutcliffe has to be in heaven right now. He has former Clemson quarterback Chase Brice on board for the next few seasons, which gives the team an automatic boost. Their first game is at new league member Notre Dame, a team with ACC Championship and National Championship aspirations. We think the Irish will be pretty good but not great, and they should handle the Dookies in the opener. But if Brice gets hot, watch out…NOTRE DAME 31, DUKE 24

CLEMSON AT WAKE FOREST

The Tigers open the season on the road in Winston-Salem in front of an empty stadium. So, it’s pretty much like every other game Clemson has played up there. The Demon Deacons should be better this season than they were a year ago when injuries derailed their campaign, and have plenty of experience on defense. What they don’t have is a home crowd. Or Trevor Lawrence. Or Travis Etienne. CLEMSON 44, WAKE FOREST 13