"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him (greatest line in Seinfeld history), I realized there had to be another way..."
"...now it's time for the airing of grievances. I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!"
"Is there a tree?" "No, instead, there is a pole. Requires no decorations. I find tinsel distracting."