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Connoisseur [391]
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Vasectomies
Aug 28, 2013, 1:40 PM
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/3148365387.html
What a Vasectomy is Really Like
So I did it. Got the snip -- the tiny tubes terminated -- pinched off the old baby batter blaster -- you get the picture. While it was (as every man who has ever had it done at least one year prior will tell you) a very simple and quick procedure, I would not ever in good conscience tell another man considering it that it was anything less than a miserable experience. Most guys (fellow blank shooters) I spoke with played it down and made it sound as easy and manly as getting a few stitches after a bar brawl -- well I beg to differ. Although, all the slice-snip-burn-sew blow by blow, step by step tales I was told were frighteningly similar -- and mine is no different:
THEY TAPE YOUR ####!!!- So after sitting slightly nervous and unquestionably cold in an ass-less gown for about 15 minutes -- periodically wiggling my pink pal just to shake out the shrinkage all the while being mindful not go full mast -- I mean who gets a hard-on in a cold doctor's office while waiting for some dude to rip open your sack and jam some scissors in the hole? Not this weirdo -- Anyhoo, the doctor & nurse bust in like they were trying to catch me jerkin' it (I'm too quick handed to worry about that) and get to work. I lay back, and ol' doc flips up the gown with the vigor and assuredness of a popular jock prom date -- pulls out and rips off about two feet of masking tape -- grabs my #### -- stretches it past my belly button -- and tapes it quite securely to my abdomen. In hindsight I think it's so my Johnson didn't retract into my pelvis as the pain, shame and discomfort slowly consumed me.
MEATBALLS IN A HOLE- The next step in prepping for the procedure was a generous coat of peroxide lathering my thighs -- then came the covering. The doc held up a dishtowel sized heavy cloth with a 3-4 inch diameter hole, well stitched and reinforced with a canvas-like material (you know, so your balls don't tear through it like wet toilet paper when they figure out what's about to happen to them). My freshly shaved scrotum poked through and also received an incredibly cold peroxide dousing. He says "this might get a little uncomfortable" and begins kneading and emulsifying my scrotum between his fingers looking for the right tube to terminate (there are a few on either side) and then came the needle. . .
YOU FEEL EVERYTHING- "You're probably going to feel a sharp pain and a some burning, but then you should not feel any pain from here on" -- Now, it's not that he was lying, but it's really not that simple. Needles don't bug me and a Novocaine shot is really not that high on the pain scale -- so far so good. Then he cut into my scrotum using some Chinese method I got a pamphlet on, but didn't give a #### enough to read about -- felt every bit of it, but it was not painful -- numb, but sensitive enough to know exactly what was happening down there without looking. He tears me open quite aggressively (still no pain, but discomfort was creeping in) and then the snip. . ...Ooooohhhhhh the snip. I could write a 2000 adjective only essay on the sensation that shot through my lower abdomen and there is not a woman on this planet that could read it and have even a slightest inkling of what I experienced in that very moment, but it only takes four words to let a brother know -- Kicked In The Balls. Not the initial contact pain like when the foot hits the ball or the balls slap the thigh or ########, but the stomach ache fallout that follows. It's extreme nausea without the possibility of puking AND getting the wind knocked out of you without the breathing issue AND the cold sweats of a fever without the hot skin mixed with the sharp stinging sensation (and I'm assuming here) of being stabbed.
This was the point where I made the decision not to look up and see what was going on -- let me explain: It was during the birth of our first child that I discovered something about myself that had not previously occurred to me -- blood and gore does not phase me in person. I actually cringe sometimes when watching something particularly graphic in a movie or on TV, but when I peeked over the curtain while sitting beside my beautiful and insanely brave wife and (against the advice of the doctors and nurses in the room) peered directly into my wife's open abdomen -- did not feel faint or woozy or even the slightest bit phased witnessing the c-section birth of our daughter (I think that I am one in a very small group of men that can truthfully say that my wife is indeed beautiful both inside and out). And again for my son's circumcision (it's not mutilation if it can actually help him get laid when he is of sound mind and consenting age) where I watched wide-eyed and unflinching as they pinned back and peeled off the extra skin of my infant's ##### without so much as nose crinkle. It surprised me -- I felt slightly faint in anticipation both times, but not even a knee buckle once the gore was in view. Now, after all that chest pounding I will humbly admit that I was in no condition and harbored no desire to attain so much as a glimpse of what this sadistic prick was doing to the closest friends of my taped dong.
EVER WONDER WHAT BURNT SCROTUM SMELLS LIKE?- I'm not totally sure exactly what was cauterized, but I smelled it. Didn't bug me -- it's the first thing every non-lethal sharpshooter out there told me about because it was so disturbing for them -- and because of that I was mentally prepared for it. It was weird though -- worth mentioning.
THERE ARE TWO- I am well aware that I'm no genius and this may just be common sense to most men out there -- maybe it's because I never gave it very much thought -- but it is a two part procedure and that did not initially occur to me. Two places to numb, two holes to cut, two tubes to snip and remove (which look like two small sections of spaghetti noodles -- which my doctor pointed out when he showed me commenting, "hope you weren't planning on pasta for dinner tonight" -- worth the co-pay alone) because most men have. . .everybody now. . .two balls. Duh. This was both surprising and disappointing to me as the first one is no picnic and after the full frontal sense assault I was in no mood to go through it again, but it was actually a lot easier. This time I was already entirely numb and I could identify each tug and snip as landmarks along the shameful journey and I knew exactly how many more pokes and puffs of flesh smoke were left until I could get out of there and get a burrito.
. . .AND THEN I PASSED OUT- Okay, procedure's over -- doc is gone -- nurse is gone -- and it quickly becomes (painfully) obvious that I did not shave above my ##### as I rip the tape -- and my pubes -- off of my abdomen. That hurt, but detaching the tape from the loose skin of my now embarrassingly small and shriveled #### helped me to forget real quick. I was not in any pain, but I instinctively got dressed and walked out of the doctor's office (yes office -- no surgical room) like a 90 year-old with osteoporosis after a 2000 mile donkey ride. I think my ego/pride/mojo was more injured than my balls. I was texting my supportive mate to come pick me up, but looked up to see her popping up from a waiting room chair -- mojo back -- posture back -- let's go eat! We carefully walked to the car and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my new best friend for the next two days. Driving along I gave my better half a quick and g-rated rundown of the procedure and about 4 miles out the car began to close in on me. The corners got dark and I warned my bride that I was going to go under for a moment and then the entire conversation we just had played back in my head at a much higher volume and furious pace -- the screaming in my mind gave way to white noise and I came to slouched in my seat and looking over at an angelic, but severely concerned companion. If getting your balls fondled and shredded by another man doesn't #### with your self-esteem, passing out like a little girl shortly thereafter kind of closes the deal. Feel free to make fun of me.
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110%er [8243]
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wtfl;dr***
Aug 28, 2013, 1:41 PM
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Recruit [86]
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Please make longer, then repost. I read that aaay too fast****
Aug 28, 2013, 1:42 PM
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Recruit [86]
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Dude did not take his Valium prior to going back.***
Aug 28, 2013, 1:45 PM
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All-In [27403]
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TOTE1? Care to corroborate?***
Aug 28, 2013, 1:51 PM
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CU Medallion [54841]
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grabs my #### -- stretches it past my belly button
Aug 28, 2013, 2:00 PM
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stretches it past my belly button
mmhm.
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CU Medallion [54841]
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(glad I didn't DGUAR this up and post it in the wrong spot)***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:00 PM
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All-TigerNet [12763]
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Will have to read later
Aug 28, 2013, 2:00 PM
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but my anesthesia wore off half way through the operation. I kneed the doc in the chest which threw his tray of tools on the floor. He was shocked. I was shocked-er.
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Recruit [86]
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DID read ! and will never do that !
Aug 28, 2013, 2:21 PM
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yeah that sounds about what I imagine it to be.........
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All-In [32807]
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I had one and either this guy is a serious puss....
Aug 28, 2013, 2:25 PM
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or his doctor sucks.
I didn't feel thing (except a bit of pulling) after the initial shot for pain.
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Recruit [86]
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burning flesh smell ?***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:25 PM
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110%er [8243]
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No.***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:26 PM
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CU Medallion [54841]
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Recruit [86]
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I am playing a dangerous game of chicken by not getting
Aug 28, 2013, 2:28 PM
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this done, but that's good ammo in my argument
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All-TigerNet [12763]
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Looking back, I wouldn't do it again. But I'm glad I did
Aug 28, 2013, 2:29 PM
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because it's over with.
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Recruit [86]
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stopped reading at "I wouldn't do it again..."
Aug 28, 2013, 2:31 PM
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thanks for the advice
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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Lollers, friend of Greenr now has painful finishes due to
Aug 28, 2013, 2:36 PM
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vasectomy. Doc said only remedy was to reverse it. Very rare, but it happens and he got it. He said you get used to the pain.
#doublesoverwhenheskeets
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Recruit [86]
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anecdotal evidence is always the best
Aug 28, 2013, 2:38 PM
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reconfirming everything I ever thought
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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Recruit [86]
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Did NOT read
Aug 28, 2013, 2:41 PM
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link title says it all, thanks
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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sez some people experience pain only during
Aug 28, 2013, 2:43 PM
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segs or when they get a bronar. If my wang hurts ONLY during those times, why the hell should I not just cut it off?
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110%er [8243]
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Recruit [86]
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yes......and definitely not now after reading that***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:36 PM
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All-In [32807]
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Recruit [86]
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I had more burning flesh smell in LASIK than I did w/Vas***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:38 PM
[ in reply to burning flesh smell ?*** ] |
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Recruit [86]
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I wonder how mumbo turned out
Aug 28, 2013, 2:39 PM
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hmmmm
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Heisman Winner [139081]
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HE CAN URINATE AROUND CORNERS NOW.***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:43 PM
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CU Medallion [54841]
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Recruit [86]
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I had one.NBD.***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:32 PM
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Recruit [86]
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l0l, r00kie
Aug 28, 2013, 2:37 PM
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stopping at 3........
l0l
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Recruit [86]
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Well, truth be told, we spent so much to get #2...
Aug 28, 2013, 2:39 PM
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we didn't think 3 was in the realm of possibility.
#3 was the only one we had "without trying" Quite a surprise.
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Recruit [86]
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had two that way
Aug 28, 2013, 2:40 PM
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hoping it ain't 3
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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Hai guise, I'm here to tell you about the pull and pray
Aug 28, 2013, 2:41 PM
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method. 60% of the time, it works every time.
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Recruit [86]
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That's Plan A for the last 5 years***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:42 PM
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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Have you had kids in the last 5 years?***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:43 PM
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Recruit [86]
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negative***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:46 PM
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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Copy, Paste, Print, Mail to wife. Thanks guise, got all I
Aug 28, 2013, 2:47 PM
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needed.
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Recruit [86]
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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Also, ####***
Aug 28, 2013, 2:43 PM
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110%er [6272]
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the "who wants to read this sh|t????" forum
Aug 28, 2013, 2:33 PM
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is that way
====>
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Oculus Spirit [77393]
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F-Sectionis a wuss. I'm considering getting one and I'm
Aug 28, 2013, 2:49 PM
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not even married. Really, I just need to have one more big conversation with somebody who asked me to give them a kid. The snip could be soon after...either way.
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All-In [30761]
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Geez.. It's a little shaving, a couple of shots, a couple
Aug 28, 2013, 3:18 PM
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of snips and a couple of internal stitches.
There really is nothing to it.
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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did you get a bonar beforehand? Like when the doc grabbed
Aug 28, 2013, 3:25 PM
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your #### and stretched it above your bellybutton?
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CU Medallion [54841]
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heyull...I JUST got one
Aug 28, 2013, 3:27 PM
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now, whose is this?
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Legend [17753]
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Heisman Winner [109511]
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Re: How much is it to get a lawyer to do that?***
Aug 28, 2013, 3:32 PM
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Legend [17753]
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Sorry
Aug 28, 2013, 3:34 PM
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HOW MUCH IS IT TO GET A LAWYER TO DO THAT?
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Oculus Spirit [77393]
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Stop tempting me to explain it to you.***
Aug 28, 2013, 3:36 PM
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CU Guru [1321]
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My vasectomy wasn't bad at all.
Aug 28, 2013, 9:06 PM
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Worst part was the doctor trying to carry a conversation with me while he snipped my bits. Mine were tied, no cauterization.
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CU Guru [1825]
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Precious memories
Aug 29, 2013, 9:04 AM
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how they linger
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Recruit [94]
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Re: Vasectomies
Aug 29, 2013, 10:48 AM
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This reminds me of a heartwarming story my boss told me. He got his vas performed by his father in law. On the dinner table. Two hours before Thanksgiving dinner was served. Good times.
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