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Ancient Gods 104

Apr 21, 2023, 11:10 AM

Ancient Gods 104

This installment of Religious Pron is gonna get nasty, because we’ll be wallowing around in other folks dirty laundry. And who doesn’t enjoy that?

In Ancient Gods 101, 102, and 103, we saw just how human the first gods were. Not only did they share the same emotions and passions as mankind, they also made the two-back beast. A lot. And that’s where Ancient Gods 104 comes in.

Cupid (the god of desire) and Psyche (the goddess of the soul). Oh yeah.

Psyche began life as a mortal woman but gained divinity along the way. It wouldn’t be the first or last time a woman was seduced and bedded by the gods.

“The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them.” Genesis 6:4 Who were these sons of God? And were they divine like him, too?

Cupid and Psyche, Bouguereau, 1889

Turns out the gods and man were the same in a lot of sketchy ways, too. We all know the seedier side of some of the folks in the Bible. You don’t give warnings like this unless you are trying stop what is already going on:

“Anyone will be cursed who has sexual relations with an animal.” - Deuteronomy 27:21

But if your god was Pan, well, those same rules might not have applied.

Most of the kings of Israel and Judah weren’t exactly paragons of virtue. Would anyone consider King Solomon either a faithful husband or a moral stalwart?

You’d have to have his kind of gold to have his kind of hobby. Not that anyone was much better in Sumer, ABaCAB, Greece, Persia, or Rome. Some were probably worse. The ancient Middle East might have been considered a free-love zone, all things considered.

The old Shah of Iran, back in the 1800’s, could have given Solomon a run for his money with a reported 1,000 women in his own harem. He even had a marble ramp in his pool for his lovers to slide down, and into his waiting arms.

Fath-Ali Shah Qajar, the old Shah of Iran

His son reportedly used the slide too, and the rumor is (as long as we’re getting into dirty laundry) that “the late nineteenth-century Qajar tyrant returned from Paris so enchanted with classical ballet that he dressed the women in his harem in short-skirted ballet costumes, then made them descend a long slide to his private quarters, the better to admire their frilled underwear.”

Naughty boy.

Son Naser al Din

A slide’s recruiting value, for harem women or athletes, simply can’t be refuted. Some truths are undeniable.

The harem room at the Topkapi Palace in Istanbul

But all that frilly panty stuff is probably just an old wives’ tale, and clearly in the domain of mortals.
What we care about is the gods!

Fortunately, the ancient Hebrew god Yahweh had a good deal more character than the old Shahs or Hebrew kings, and seemed to be pretty faithful to Mary. But not the Egyptian Gods, or the Greek gods, or the Roman gods. And just like the ancient gods lived in houses like man, and had to eat like man, and had professions like man, they also shacked up like man. A lot worse, in fact.

The Egyptian god family tree. Don’t even bother trying to figure it out.

I say don’t bother because it’s basically hopeless. It’s familial spaghetti, as you can see. Turns out the gods were far more randy than humans. And that’s damm hard to do.

For instance, Isis conceived her son Horus with her husband Osiris, who also happened to be her brother. And oh yeah, he was dead at the time, so there’s also that. Life finds a way, even if it goes down the wrong alley sometimes. But apparently that’s not just a human problem.

On the plus side, and brother/husband seggs aside, Isis did raise her other child, the god Anubis, as her own. That was a nice thing to do because Anubis happened to be the bas-tard love child of Isis’s husband/brother Osiris and his adulteress squeeze, the goddess Nephthys. I’m sure love is somewhere in all that, if not fidelity. Like I said, it’s all far too confusing to keep up with.

Like in any good 70’s pron flick, by the end everyone has been with everyone else.

So it’s no wonder that after a while, later generations of Egyptians began to get that inbred glow about them.

The same thing happened to the Spanish Habsburg line in Europe, and Charles II of Spain. You don’t want to keep it “All in the Family” too much. Otherwise your family members end up with drooling underbites and look like this. It’s even known as “Habsburg Jaw.”

The Greek gods were no better than the Egyptian gods or humans. This is a partial chart of ancient authors who tried to track Zeus’s love affairs. Good luck.

Tracking Zeus’s exploits is no small task. As one investigator noted, Zeus seduced Aix, Dino, Himalia, Hora, Callirrhoe, Carme, Othreis, Pluto, Sinope, and Thaleia, as well as an unnamed African nymph.” Add in sexual affairs with more than 20 mortals, including Ganymede (a prince of Troy), and you’ve got one horny God…I mean, doG.

Zeus you dog! What do women see in this guy? I guess being king of the gods has its perks.

Just like man, the gods were decidedly fallible, imperfect, and suckers for the ladies…or men. You’ll find a lot of very tangled family trees floating around. “I’m my own Grandpa” gone wild. Even the Step-Mother thing was around long before PronHub.

This is Phaedra, the original step-mother MILF. We’ll get to her next time. For now we’re sticking with god-on-god love.

So the gods got up to all the same hanky-panky that humans get up to, only at god-like levels. And they played dirty too. We all know Yahweh could get angry at the Israelites. But did he ever get Greek Poseidon-level angry?

The Greek god Poseidon was owed a sacrifice by the King of Crete, a god himself named Minos. King Minos welched on Poseidon, and so in his anger, Poseidon cursed Minos’ wife, who was also a goddess, to fall in love with a bull. That’s nasty mean.

Here Minos’ wife, queen Pasiphae, becomes the joke of the whole island. Lady, stop hugging that bull! Look closely. Even the other cows are smiling and laughing about it.

That’s bad enough. And kinda funny. But Poseidon didn’t stop there. Oh hell no. He was REALLY angry, and so when we say “Pasiphae fell in love” with a bull, she fell IN LOVE with a bull. Then the story turns dark. Really dark. Poseidon was one ESSO-B!

Couldn’t Minos just have sacrificed a proper cow, and not a cheap knockoff, to Poseidon? Don’t ever pixx off a god, even if you are a god yourself. It’s just not worth it.

That is one pixxed-off Poseidon. Lesson learned. Don’t skimp on the sacrifices.

Next, Poseidon’s curse starts a fight between Pasiphae and Minos. The two argue over who is to blame for the curse, as recorded in the Greek play “Cretans.” The Greeks got actual drama like this for entertainment, and all we get is crappy Reality TV.

Pasiphae: “[If I had] given my body in secret to some man, you would have every right to condemn me as a who-re. But this was no act of the will; I am suffering from some madness brought on by a god. What could I see in a bull to assault my heart with this shameful passion?

Did he look too handsome in his robe? [Lol]
Did fire smolder in his eyes? [Snicker]
Was it the red tint of his hair and his dark beard? [Bwahahaha – damm those Greeks are hilarious.]

After a while those smokey eyes do grow on you, and that brushy beard is kinda sexy when he chews on straw.

But Pasiphae’s lust for tube steak would not be sated, and unable to get the beef to return her advances, she approached the skilled craftsman Daedalus to help her out.

If you’ll remember, Daedalus later built his son Icarus some wings, but Icarus flew too close to the sun (as humans will do), and the wax melted and ruined the wings, causing him to fall to his death. Oh the perils of human ambition. Iron Maiden wrote a song all about it.

Icarus literally goes down in flames. Water nymphs try to help, but are too late.

Anyway, Pasiphae proposed that the great craftsman Daedalus build her a sort of Trojan Bull, so she could climb inside and woo the bully beast accordingly. We even have a picture of the contraption.

No. Wrong mechanical bull.

Daedalus, Pasiphae, and the REAL mechanical bull:

In print

In bas relief

And in a sculpture in Vilanova, Spain

So he did, and then she did, and then the bovine beast did the deed. And the baby Minotaur was born! Isn’t he cute?

Pasiphae and her bouncing baby…bull?

The story gets darker still when we find out the baby Minotaur likes to eat people, so King Minos built a labyrinth to contain and hide his wife’s dirty little bovine secret. Sort of like the red-headed stepchild anyone could have chained up and hidden in their own basement. I mean, hypothetically, of course.

I know it was you, Clarabell.

But the point is that the early gods could be just as petty and nasty as any human. Virtually every characteristic that early man had, the early gods had too. So let that be a lesson.

First, do unto others (especially to the gods) as you would have them do unto you, and second, if your significant other is enjoying their filet mignon too much, or replacing all your pictures with a T-Bone steak, blame Poseidon.

If all this bestiality and adultery still isn’t quite salacious enough for you, next time we’ll cover Phaedra and then the tragic story of Polyphonte. Polyphonte’s only crime was that she wanted to remain a virgin. Well, Aphrodite, the goddess of love and fornication, wasn’t having any of that. Virginity is a flat out affront to the goddess of f*****g.

The Birth of Venus(Aphrodite) Botticelli, 1485

And if you think the wrath of a male god like Poseidon was cruel, you’ve never seen savage girl-on-girl action. A goddess scorned is WAY worse than a woman scorned. Sorry in advance, Polyphonte.

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interest in man made gods. I've learned more in your post than during my other 70 years of life. Of course man made gods are going to be a product of man's only frame of reference, man.

I may respect Solomon less than any other Christian. While he is considered the wisest man who ever lived his wisdom was limited mostly to judgement(s). I mean the guy had 700 wives and 300 concubines to compensate for something which is unknown. We don't know how many children he had, the Bible doesn't say and anyone who has read Chronicles knows no scrolls were spared when recording fathers and their sons.

If the man was wise he would have obeyed Exodus 23:

"31 And I will set thy bounds from the Red sea even unto the sea of the Philistines, and from the desert unto the river: for I will deliver the inhabitants of the land into your hand; and thou shalt drive them out before thee.

32 Thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor with their gods.

33 They shall not dwell in thy land, lest they make thee sin against me: for if thou serve their gods, it will surely be a snare unto thee."

Solomon didn't and because he thought he was special and different Israel got the butt end of Deut 28:

58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD;

59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance.

60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee.

61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed.

62 And ye shall be left few in number, whereas ye were as the stars of heaven for multitude; because thou wouldest not obey the voice of the LORD thy God.

63 And it shall come to pass, that as the LORD rejoiced over you to do you good, and to multiply you; so the LORD will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought; and ye shall be plucked from off the land whither thou goest to possess it.

64 And the LORD shall scatter thee among all people, from the one end of the earth even unto the other; and there thou shalt serve other gods, which neither thou nor thy fathers have known, even wood and stone.

65 And among these nations shalt thou find no ease, neither shall the sole of thy foot have rest: but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind:

66 And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear day and night, and shalt have none assurance of thy life:

67 In the morning thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and at even thou shalt say, Would God it were morning! for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see..."

We are all special to God. He sent Jesus to die for us. All are given equal opportunity to accept Jesus as Savior and reap eternal life. A man can be saved and still screw up but few of us can screw up royally as did Solomon. Well, there's me. I've screwed up royally more than once...

Message was edited by: ClemsonTiger1988®

Ancient Gods 104

Wow. Just went down the Bambi Woods rabbit hole.

Re: Wow. Just went down the Bambi Woods rabbit hole.

I think the DOB everyone goes with is the DOB of

I'm supposing my sudo-Christian upbring quelled any...

Re: I'm supposing my sudo-Christian upbring quelled any...

Your entire palace would be dawned with..

"dawned," really?

Re: "dawned," really?

Re: Ancient Gods 104

Re: Ancient Gods 104

Re: Ancient Gods 104

Re: Ancient Gods 104

Re: Ancient Gods 104

Re: Ancient Gods 104

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