Pigskin Prophet: Choo Choo Chickens with yet another new "tradition" |
A chicken choo choo.
Prior to the last home game for South Carolina, I was called into the offices for a super-secret meeting. It was there I learned that the Chicken Choo Choo Railroad was going to make an appearance. I am sure I was little slack-jawed in appearance, because they kept patting me on the shoulder and saying things like, “Yes, we are totally serious” and “This is totally normal” and “Yes, we love to combine trains and poultry.” Here’s the deal. The chicken in a dress usually makes its appearance at home games by standing on a small platform which is covered in Hefty black trash bags. The band plays a theme song from a movie, and the chicken shimmies out of the trash bags like some woman peeking out of a shower in a bad movie. The crowd goes wild, because obviously they get a kick out of chickens in the shower. But those people decided to add a train to the mix. No, I am being serious. They have a choo choo, like the one at Purdue, and it’s pulling a trailer. Inside the trailer is the very confused chicken. My job is to stand inside the trailer with the confused chicken, and I have a fire extinguisher. As the chicken is raised to the roof, appearing out of the trailer like a piece of toast out of a toaster, I am standing below the chicken blowing the fire extinguisher up its dress. (And I am not supposed to look). The fans went wild. I walked out of the chicken choo choo, and I heard one almost attractive young lady exclaim, “That gave me some serious chillbumps. That is like the best thing EVER.” I thought about asking her to go with me to see the Tweetsie Railroad, figuring if a train frame over a John Deere tractor got her excited, the real thing might really fry her giblets. But I digress…on to some picks. FRIDAY NC STATE AT VIRGINIA Tony Elliott and his Cavs had a rough start to the season, and now they welcome back former quarterback Brennan Armstrong, who is at the helm of Laptop Dave Doeren’s puppy wagon. Elliott and company have a promising freshman at QB, but he doesn’t have enough playmakers around him, if any at all, and Laptop Dave and Armstrong have the advantage here. Even on Friday. NC STATE 31, VIRGINIA 17 SATURDAY FLORIDA ST. AT CLEMSON Mike Norvell and his band of temporary workers travel up to take on Dabo Swinney’s actual student-athletes. Norvell has his squad thinking big things this season, and with good reason. The hired hands have talent at some key spots, while the Tigers are still finding their way. The Seminoles will hit on a few big plays early and then they will start pointing into the crowd, looking for their posse and their agents and their handlers, and Clemson will quietly creep back into the game. By the time the ‘Noles look up from their contracts, the Tigers will have used a beach kicker to take the lead. And hold on. CLEMSON 30, FSU 27 AUBURN AT TEXAS A&M Jimbo Fisher rode a kid who loves crab legs to the stupidest contract in NCAA history and is still, somehow, allowed to coach. Hugh Freeze, he of the late night text escapades, also has a job at Auburn, because in the SEC, you can never go too far astray. CRAB LEGS CONTRACT 27, TEXTER 17 COLORADO AT OREGON The Prime Show – the only one in town where the coach is more important than the players – heads out to the West Coast for a showdown with a bunch of ducks. Prime’s squad snatched victory from the jaws of defeat last week and let CSU push them around. Let’s get one thing straight – Oregon is not CSU, they are at home, and Prime had better be wearing his sunglasses, because the scoreboard at Autzen is gonna light up like a Christmas tree. OREGON 50, PRIME 30 OLE MISS AT ALABAMA This is always a fun one to watch, and now snarky Lake Kiffin and his band of Rebels smell a little blood in the water. Indeed, the Elephants are bleeding a bright Crimson in a woeful Tide after a home loss to Texas and seeing USF hold them in check for most of three quarters last week. Nick has tried every quarterback to find a spark, and the rumor is that Joe Namath is coming off the bench this week. Broadway Joe is more than willing, but he won’t be needed. Somehow, Nick finds a way. BAMA 30, OLE MISS 24 MISS ST. AT SOUTH CAROLINA The Bulldogs will leave most of their cowbells at home and head to South Carolina to do battle against the Choo Choo Chickens. The Choo Choo Chickens held Georgia in check for the first half week, even though we know Georgia isn’t close to being Georgia again. The Bulldogs really need that tiny, 34-year old graduate student back, old Stetson Benson Haltewanger Butler the 19th. The Choo Choo Chickens are not very good, but neither is Miss St. CHOO CHOO 27, BULLDOGS 20 OHIO ST. AT NOTRE DAME This might be the best game of the weekend. Ohio St. steps out of the Horseshoe and travels to South Bend to take on Touchdown Jesus and the Irish. The Irish have looked good so far under 43-year old quarterback Sam Hartman, who was just a sophomore at Wake Forest back in 1996 when the Buckeyes beat the Irish 29-16 in Notre Dame Stadium. I know the Buckeyes are good, but there is something to be said for all of these old quarterbacks roaming around. I think Old Sam has something for Ryan Day. NOTRE DAME 26, BUCKEYES 23
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