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YOUR BALANCE
Opposite gender friendships.
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Replies: 59
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Opposite gender friendships.


Jul 19, 2013, 9:28 AM

There have been discussions on here in the past that within marriage one should not have opposite gender friends or do anything that would place oneself or one's spouse alone in the company of the opposite gender. The idea being that it provides unhealthy potential temptation within the relationship and possibly gives to appearance of impropriety.

I believe this philosophy to not just be bunk,but self defeating. One can't shield themselves or others from temptation, one has to learn decision making skills to deal with it. The same way kids need to be taught to make the right decision, not just given an ultimatum to not do something. And IMHO, marriages stay together based on trust and not obligations. Using rules and obligations seem to reduce actual commitment within the relationship, making the commitment external instead of internal.

It's one's responsibility within a relationship to foster the bonds such that one chooses properly. It's my responsibility to ensure that my spouse wants to be with me, not because of obligation. And I would think that through trust and experience one would actually be more likely to remain committed because they are capable of dealing with temptation when it does occur.

What brings this up? My wife is 3 weeks into a 5 week France stay. Over the last 8-9 days she has become friends with two different French guys. She's been to a concert and fireworks with each (where she actually met them) and had drinks with each late at night. She's had meals and excursions in Paris with each and has plans with both next week. The point being that I trust my wife and she knows that I trust her commitment. I've got no jealousy and if anything it strengthens our relationship. Now I also trust that if there was a temptation or felt that they were expecting more than friendship, she would remove herself from the situation. But if we had a rule that did not allow her these experiences her trip would be diminished because she would not have had the opportunity for this company and conversation.

You could say that she's playing with fire, but being away for this period and not have the internal commitment and decision making skills seems like a much bigger risk to me. And besides, we both benefit because through choice we are continuously recommitting to our relationship. (I've actually been suggesting that she ask them out as she's had some things she's wanted to do but did not want to do alone like dinner, shows, and bars. "Hey, why don't you ask ###### to go to that show with you.") And if she did give in to temptation? I think that's a possibility regardless of one's intention to completely avoid it or not.

So basically I believe that one can not eliminate choice but instead cultivate the ability to choose properly.

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yer wife's a ####!***


Jul 19, 2013, 9:28 AM



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glad u said it so we didn't have to***


Jul 19, 2013, 9:30 AM



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I just hope you have been making productive use of your time


Jul 19, 2013, 9:32 AM

alone.

#adultfriendfinder

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#ACCFTS


Re: Opposite gender friendships.


Jul 19, 2013, 9:34 AM



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butt is the "lawn mowed"? If not, you're safe


Jul 19, 2013, 9:35 AM

'cuz they don't like that in France

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Should let her know you're hanging out with a couple


Jul 19, 2013, 9:35 AM

hot girls to make sure the playing field is level.

Also, I dislike the French.

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Cole @ Beach Cole w/ Clemson Hat


I'm having dinner and drinks with a couple of lesbians


Jul 19, 2013, 9:39 AM

tonight. Although they're not hot.

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Nice. So, what you're saying is, that you


Jul 19, 2013, 9:42 AM

don't mind Frogs banging your wife. If you were really openminded, you'd let your American friends do so as well.

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...I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent.


RH Tig's already made his proposal.


Jul 19, 2013, 9:44 AM

I'm cool with that.

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Well, he is, after all....


Jul 19, 2013, 10:02 AM

Quite the dashing rogue.

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You been skipping out on bills up in Nashville?***


Jul 19, 2013, 11:20 AM



badge-donor-10yr.jpgbadge-ringofhonor-snuffys.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

...I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent.


Meh, I see both sides here.


Jul 19, 2013, 9:43 AM

On the one hand it makes sense to avoid situations that risk endangering your relationship. On the other hand we should trust ourselves and our significant others to exercise restraint.

All I know is, about a year ago my (now ex) gf called me up after having stayed out the night before and was like, "I met this guy and we had so much in common, really hit it off, so I gave him my number and now we're gonna meet for lunch!" I was like, "LOL. No you're not." Although she insisted he knew she had a bf, she ultimately conceded that he had gotten the wrong idea.

So, save yourself trouble: Don't give your number to b!tches and b!tches shouldn't give their number to you.

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I agree, but...


Jul 19, 2013, 9:49 AM

I'm saying that the responsibility of this choice is on her. And that she has the skills to make the choice.

I also believe that we both have the right and ability to veto the other's choice. That's just as much a part of being in a relationship.

What I'm saying is that there's an order and that the individual has the first option, not the partner.

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pigs of said wife would help this discussion***


Jul 19, 2013, 9:47 AM



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Is his wife's name Jessica?


Jul 19, 2013, 9:49 AM

.

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she's definitely bangin Frenchy***


Jul 19, 2013, 9:51 AM



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Re: pigs of said wife would help this discussion***


Jul 19, 2013, 9:54 AM [ in reply to pigs of said wife would help this discussion*** ]
017.JPG(236.0 K)



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say, how'd you get a pic of the gal my 2 french friends are


Jul 19, 2013, 9:58 AM

nvmd

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i was wrong


Jul 19, 2013, 10:02 AM [ in reply to Re: pigs of said wife would help this discussion*** ]

she's not bangin one of them, but both. ;)

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Fingercuffs.***


Jul 19, 2013, 10:04 AM



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Dinner, shows, and bars


Jul 19, 2013, 9:59 AM

All the ingredients are there for a female to shed her inhibitions.

Hope her clippings aren't being bagged...

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Isn't France like a super romantic place too? He's done***


Jul 19, 2013, 10:03 AM



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Re: Paris is


Jul 19, 2013, 10:07 AM

But French men in general have no concept of personal space. They get VERY close, too close, in conversations. I've been there 3 times.

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Yes, and French women are very cold so French men


Jul 19, 2013, 10:26 AM

see the outgoingness of American women as being an invitation. My wife has dealt with that a lot as my wife is an extrovert who likes to make small talk with strangers. So she can tell the difference when Frenchie is showing genuine interest in her.

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French men view eye contact as an invitation to #####.***


Jul 19, 2013, 10:29 AM [ in reply to Re: Paris is ]



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She's alone in Paris for a month.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:07 AM [ in reply to Dinner, shows, and bars ]

Her inhibitions are long gone, if she ever had them in the first place.

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So it's 2013 and people still don't realize that


Jul 19, 2013, 10:01 AM

dudes are only friends with chicks they want to bang? Didn't "When Harry Met Sally" explain this like 20 years ago? Not that I've seen that movie

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I saw that movie with a friend of mine.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:02 AM

got laid.

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#ACCFTS


What was his name?


Jul 19, 2013, 10:04 AM

FACE!!!

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LOL...got FACEd.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:06 AM

allsome

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I was in much the same situation just last night.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:01 AM

Should I abandon my long term committed relationship with Schlitz just because it's not around? Could I cultivate a 'friendship' with one of the locals and not feel guilty the next morning? Well, I can say that after multiple pitchers of Yazoo Dos Perros and hours of table top shufflebosrd at Nashville's premier dive bar, The International Famous Twin Kegs...I feel very headachey and mildly regretful.

This will NOT stop me from doing it again tonight though. And, on a side note, the Twin Kegs burgers are every bit as good as advertised.

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I'M NOT JEALOUS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'VE


Jul 19, 2013, 10:04 AM

NEVER BEEN TO THIS TWIN KEGS PLACE! WORK HAS ALREADY MADE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE A HANGOVER.

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So it's 2013 and people still don't realize that


Jul 19, 2013, 10:02 AM

dudes are only friends with chicks they want to bang? Didn't "When Harry Met Sally" explain this like 20 years ago? Not that I've seen that movie

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Whoops, pulled a Jackal here***


Jul 19, 2013, 10:02 AM



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I truly believe girls can be friends with boys.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:05 AM

Boys CANNOT be "just friends" with girls.

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What is diabolical is that wommenz know the guys


Jul 19, 2013, 10:08 AM

want to bang them, but they'll continue to be friends with them.

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Exactly.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:14 AM

And I'm sure my wife is enjoying the power.

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I agree.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:10 AM [ in reply to I truly believe girls can be friends with boys. ]

Guys want to bang my wife, that's a law of nature.

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It's not that I WANT to #### all my wife's friends, but I


Jul 19, 2013, 10:10 AM [ in reply to I truly believe girls can be friends with boys. ]

wood #### most of them. MOST, but not all.

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same.


Jul 19, 2013, 10:11 AM

while your wife watches.

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Can our wives be friends? I think I might want to


Jul 19, 2013, 10:12 AM

nevermind.

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Sure fellas can be "just friends."


Jul 19, 2013, 10:15 AM [ in reply to I truly believe girls can be friends with boys. ]

It is when it crosses over from wanting to bang them to wanting to be in a relationship that causes issues. The girls get all upset when that line is crossed and the guy can't deal with it.

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seems like you are trying


Jul 19, 2013, 10:32 AM

to convince yourself.
hopefully you have.


=)


if adult people of opposite sex spend enough time together, there will be an attraction. assuming it is reasonably possible.

.....meaning a 24 year old hot girl could spend months with an old fat dude and there may never be an attraction.
at least not physical.


the amount of time varies by person.
the consequential actions also vary by situation/people involved.



but rest assured, it is human nature to feel an attraction and connection to the opposite sex if you share enough experiences.

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Re: seems like you are trying


Jul 19, 2013, 10:47 AM

Sprinkle a little dinner, add a dash of alcohol, garnish with entertainment and laughter.

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"a 24 year old hot girl could spend months with an old fat


Jul 19, 2013, 10:47 AM [ in reply to seems like you are trying ]

dude and there may never be an attraction.
at least not physical."

That's exactly what I keep telling my wife.

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"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard."
- H. L. Mencken


Sure, but people are also capable of controlling and dealing


Jul 19, 2013, 10:58 AM [ in reply to seems like you are trying ]

with things like that as well. It's not a singular decision. People have the ability to negotiate that space between. Instead of avoiding people need to develop the skills to negotiate within. Life is decisions, choices, and consequences. One can't shelter themselves from life.

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It's also human nature to want something that we can't have.


Jul 19, 2013, 11:08 AM [ in reply to seems like you are trying ]

Or because we've been told not to. Do we want to lock ourselves in a room and not interact with the world around us? We're not perfect and will make mistakes. But we learn from mistakes, we can't expect to eliminate them.

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i think it is healthy to have friends of the opposite sex


Jul 19, 2013, 11:29 AM

as married people. that is called community.


how much time you spend with them - - and what situations in which you spend with them, is the question.


i think the point most people would make is - if you spend the majority of your time with a member of the opposite sex WIHTOUT your spouse included, you are inviting temptation that is not necessary.


your situation with your wife is different from what i would be describing here....

now if she comes home, and spends countless hours texting and emailing and conversing with these new found friends in France, you may have a problem imo.

if she comes back and pretty much shelves them in the "good times friend zone of bygones past", then ther is no problem.


i trust she will do the latter.

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I agree. Relationships are based on each individual's


Jul 19, 2013, 11:51 AM

commitment to the relationship. Avoiding interaction with the opposite sex is not committing to the relationship. Neither is spending the majority of one's time away from the relationship. Commitment is what happens in between.

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Good Boundaries Are Healthy


Jul 21, 2013, 4:38 PM [ in reply to i think it is healthy to have friends of the opposite sex ]

Otherwise it is trouble

That's when the cheating spouse says "it just happened"

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way down in the south of France


Jul 19, 2013, 12:08 PM

all the ladies love to dance. They also get kidnapped and forced to be a prostitute.

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Cat on a tin roof, dogs in a pile,
Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile!!!!


Re: Opposite gender friendships.


Jul 20, 2013, 1:40 PM

Could you give me the exact address of where she is staying?

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Dang, dood, your wife is banging french guys on vacation?


Jul 20, 2013, 3:14 PM

that sux.

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OkeeDokee***


Jul 20, 2013, 8:43 PM



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Visiting the "Eiffel Tower," eh?***


Jul 21, 2013, 11:01 AM



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I trusted my wife, too


Jul 21, 2013, 1:24 PM

She still banged her male "friend" from work

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Re: I trusted my wife, too


Jul 21, 2013, 4:53 PM

The "harmless" trip to Vegas for "girls weekend" was kiss of death for mine.

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Why didn't she..


Jul 21, 2013, 1:58 PM

choose a female to become friends with instead of males? A female could show her all the attractions of France. She is putting herself in a situation that she may give in to after having a couple of drinks with these males. And I can guarantee you the males are not just thinking friendship and are just waiting on the right moment.

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Re: Why didn't she..


Jul 21, 2013, 2:08 PM

There are two guys in France saying, "he will never know. Don't worry about it." After some good wine, wife is in bed with said gentleman.

I am a guy, so I don't trust guys and would never be ok with my wife being 1on1 with another man. It's just not right nor fair to anyone. Nothing good can come from it. There are plenty of women for my wife to be friends with.

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